I Don't Want To

Ok, so this is how it goes.

I have a place where the inside of your cheek meets the bottom of your mouth that keeps swelling up. On the other side of my mouth, the saliva gland will, now and then, will swell up, the size of a marble. Real uncomfortable. My skin has decided to react to soaps, conditioners etc.. By giving me the feeling that I am on fire. Again, real uncomfortable. I am getting welts on my skin, especially on my face, that, at times, turn into little scabs. For the finale, my ankle began to hurt the other day and both feet swelled. The pain became so intense that I could no longer walk. Better now though. Does not sound good.

I have not seen the doctor, but do go next week, for my regular three months check up. I have purposely not called him, because,...well...I don't want to know. The truth laid bear "I really, don't want to hear the truth." I do not want to go back on a huge regime of pills again, steroid nor chemotherapy. The help for Lupus can seem, at times, so much worse than the disease.

I know this is stinking thinking. I'm just not ready to go for the fixer upper. So, next week, I will tell the doc my story and submit myself to the tests. Ouch.

I no longer ask God "Why". I have seen to many blessings come out of my plight. I'm not saying I accept this disease nor do I define myself by it. But, I know that God makes good out of bad and I have seen the good. Many have wondered at the strength that God has given me to endure and have looked to God for the same inner strength. It has taught others that one does not have to be in sin to get sick and they have seen God bring me back from the arms of death. To God be the glory.

But, now I am again, it would appear, going to have to fight the fight of defending my God. Having to battle those who would say, "your sick because of your sin", "you need to repent", "you are out of the grace of God", "your faith is not large enough", "God does not cause nor allow sickness". I would like to say to them all, "Get a grip." But, instead, I will deny my flesh and give way to God's voice.

My God is a mighty God. He reigns in Heaven and Earth. Nothing gets by Him. He sees me and knows my strength. He uses me to glorify His kingdom and with that I am glad.

Last Week

I have been away from my blog a little longer than I would have like to have been. My mother feel and broke her hip and it has been terrible.

She is now in a nursing home. Putting her there was very hard, but she is doing well.

During all this, the Lupus has really acted up. My legs swell and my ankle hurts so bad that one day I had to use a wheel chair. Then for a couple of days a cane.

Yesterday, I had less swelling and could walk on my ankle all day. I, probably, need to go to the doctor to see if my kidney is compromised. I could not find the time last week, but will go this coming week.

I feel so in over load. To many decisions and to many problems. In a twinkling of an eye, my life just turned upside down. I am probably have more trouble because I am so stressed. Very hard to not be stressed with all that has been going on,

I continue to hear my mother in my home and try to remember her needs. But, she is gone and will probably not return to my home. It is so very sad.

For myself, life has changed as much as for my mother. Having always taken care of someone, I now only have my husband, so I will spoil him, I suppose.

The Fight

I feel really energized today. I thank God for that. He fills me with life.

I read a blog today, that was about the fact that, you never know when fatigue will hit you. This is true. You can be going along, with your day, and then, all of the sudden, exhaustion.

I have not suffered with this in a long time. The more I minister, keeping my eyes on God, the less likely I am to experience these kinds of affects. I am grateful to God that his glory shine on me.

But, then you have the other symptoms. Again, my way of fighting such things, is to rebuke the attack of the evil one, and claim victory. Do I get tired of the fight? You bet. Do I at times falter in my fight. Oh, yes. But, I always come back to face the enemy and take my life back.

Today, if I look into the mirror, I see welts on my face. But, if I look beyond the mirror and into the face of God. I see a person that is "fearfully and perfectly made."

Wish I felt better. But, Oh Well

I wish I could say "I fell better", but that would be a lie.

It would seem with Lupus, you never know what is around the next corner.

Always a surprise. I, now, have been getting bumps, not a rash, on my face and arms. They kind of look like hives, but do not itch very much. The day after I get them, the bumps have a small scab on them. I have no idea what this is about.

My pain, except for my ribs, is horrible, at times and the stiffness is awful. Brain fog has become all to familiar and my spiral into the depths of sickness seems unstoppable.

But, I find comfort in my Lord and have constant communion with Him. He is my strong tower.

My ministry to others has pick up and this helps me to keep my mind off of the Lupus. Helps me to not be defined by the disease. I am a child of God, not a body who goes by Lupus. I am wonderfully and perfectly made.

I have been busy crocheting. Love to crochet. Such fun. Here is my latest project.

Pretty happy about the way it turned out.

There seems to be lots of activities in my life that help to keep my mind off of what is happening to my body. So much better than laying around thinking about it. Life is and can be good.

crochet & Noni

Well, Praise God for natural remedies.

I forgot to take the Noni yesterday and found out it truly does work. By midday my pain was back. I realized that I had not taken the Noni and am now back on it and the pain is again gone.

I continue to do pretty well. Can't say that this thing has me down. My ministry is growing and I keep my eyes on God, not on Lupus.

My daughter and I have started a new business. We are starting out in my home, to try and build a clientele and then, hopefully open a store front. We make everything we sell from scratch.

My daughter is a homesteader. She is making breads, pastries, noodles,etc. and I crochet. I make anything. Right now, I have purses, baskets, shawls and a few other items. Below are some pictures of our first day we opened.

We did pretty good. We only had nine customers, but we both sold over fifty dollars worth of goods and both got orders. It is very exciting. Crocheting is something I can do and still be disabled. It does not take a lot of energy and uses my time creatively. I am a crochet addict.

I love the colors in this pillow


Hobo bag


Other bags. Some are made with hemp.





Basket made with hemp and leather.




This is suppose to be a basket, but everyone kept putting it on their heads. It finnaly sold as a hat.


My shawls.