I Don't Want To

Ok, so this is how it goes.

I have a place where the inside of your cheek meets the bottom of your mouth that keeps swelling up. On the other side of my mouth, the saliva gland will, now and then, will swell up, the size of a marble. Real uncomfortable. My skin has decided to react to soaps, conditioners etc.. By giving me the feeling that I am on fire. Again, real uncomfortable. I am getting welts on my skin, especially on my face, that, at times, turn into little scabs. For the finale, my ankle began to hurt the other day and both feet swelled. The pain became so intense that I could no longer walk. Better now though. Does not sound good.

I have not seen the doctor, but do go next week, for my regular three months check up. I have purposely not called him, because,...well...I don't want to know. The truth laid bear "I really, don't want to hear the truth." I do not want to go back on a huge regime of pills again, steroid nor chemotherapy. The help for Lupus can seem, at times, so much worse than the disease.

I know this is stinking thinking. I'm just not ready to go for the fixer upper. So, next week, I will tell the doc my story and submit myself to the tests. Ouch.

I no longer ask God "Why". I have seen to many blessings come out of my plight. I'm not saying I accept this disease nor do I define myself by it. But, I know that God makes good out of bad and I have seen the good. Many have wondered at the strength that God has given me to endure and have looked to God for the same inner strength. It has taught others that one does not have to be in sin to get sick and they have seen God bring me back from the arms of death. To God be the glory.

But, now I am again, it would appear, going to have to fight the fight of defending my God. Having to battle those who would say, "your sick because of your sin", "you need to repent", "you are out of the grace of God", "your faith is not large enough", "God does not cause nor allow sickness". I would like to say to them all, "Get a grip." But, instead, I will deny my flesh and give way to God's voice.

My God is a mighty God. He reigns in Heaven and Earth. Nothing gets by Him. He sees me and knows my strength. He uses me to glorify His kingdom and with that I am glad.