Caretaking

I am still going up and down. Went to church Sunday feeling great, but by midday pain had set in and I broke down and took pain medication.

My mother lives with me. She has Alzheimer’s and is in the middle stage. It is such a struggle, at times. Well, a lot of the time. My mother is a very self centered woman and that has not stopped with the onset of Alzheimer’s. She has become quite demanding.

Right now, she has a swollen wrist and hand. I enlisted my daughter to help me and we took her to the doctor today. No broken bones, just incredibly swollen. She is suppose to just rest the hand and wait to see if it gets better. The outcome of this trip to the doctor was, she has become more helpless.

The thing is, when she thinks you are not looking, she is not in the least bit helpless. Then the problem is with me. There are times when I just don't have the energy to cater to her. She said to me the other day, "I know you hurt, but I need you go to the kitchen and get me food." I made her wait, but was stunned at her callousness. This is not new behavior nor a result of the Alzheimer’s. She has always been like this.

One day, if she lives, I will, more than likely have to put her in a nursing home. I, do not look forward to that day. Even though, our relationship is hard, at least for me, I find the act of putting her in a nursing home difficult. I know the time is coming. It will likely be because I can not take care of her anymore.

Sometimes, I look forward to be alone with my husband and other times I feel guilt thinking this way. I'm sure this is all so very normal. So, I pray to God for His wisdom and peace in this coming decision. Leaning on Him, I pray for understanding and compassion in my current situation. I know I am learning lessons from God in this time and I struggle through this time knowing that on the other end, God's lessons will bless me.

For now, I keep my mother near and try to make her life comfortable and loving. It is a trail for me to not take on selfish thinking and to not become bitter. So, I will, give those kinds of feelings and thoughts over to God for Him to do with them the right and wish thing.