Alone

Lupus is a lonely disease. You don't always have the look of being sick,so people don't get it. You suffer alone. You fight alone. You survive alone.

My husband is an extraordinary man. He can't feel my pain, but he does identify with me. He grieves when I do and tries to give me strength. But, I am alone. Inside this shell of flesh I am the only one who feels it, looks at it for what it is and I am the one that calls it by name. Lupus.

Lupus is reflected in the way I see the world, in the way I define my relationships and in the way I look at the outcome of my life. I am alone in this disease. It is I who carries it to its completion and it is I who has such intimate knowledge of it characteristics. It is I that curses it and it is I who has to learn how to embrace it.

So alone, with this enemy am I. It takes up my precious time and steals from me. It jumps at every chance to isolate me and discourage me. Sometimes it leaves me alone and teases me with health. But, it always knows that it will be back and again it becomes me and Lupus.

So very alone I stand. Facing the enemy of my life. So lonely in my efforts to endure, so weak from the fight. Sometimes, I can feel it trying to take my life and I alone stand against it. I alone fight the fight of my life, I alone call it by name.

I will endure to the end, fighting alone. Taking encouragement from others but, watching them live a life that I would relish. Knowing that even with their love and embraces, I alone know the intimacy of Lupus.

So, I "fight the good fight". I call upon my God and Father. I lean upon the strength of who He is and know that in the end, He alone is the true weapon of this life and He alone sustains me.

In the end, I am not alone. My God, He strengthens me. So, the truth is, that inside of me, is a crowd. There is my spirit, Lupus and my God. "With God for me, who can be against me." "There is a purpose for everything under heaven." So, even though I feel alone and I struggle with the hardship of life, I will remember that "He will never leave me nor forsake me."