Happy

I have been very depressed. God had a plan for me though and now I am so much better. My mind is now clear and joy is back in my life.

My feet swelled up. They got so huge that it looked like I had a roll of fat hanging off of them. Got some water pills and lost 13 pounds of water. WOW!! That's a lot of water. But, joy comes in the morning. I can now move again and have no pain.

All blood test continue to show the Lupus markers suppressed and for that I am thankful to the Lord. He is my strength and my redemeer. Without Him, none of this would be possible.

My healing has come through Him.

Rejoice.

The water pills worked.

Problem is when I went off of them I swelled right back up. Not just my feet, my whole body.

I have found a few old water pills and am taking them while I wait to hear from the doctor.

Still no results on all that blood they took from me. I figure if there is something wrong, the doctor would have called.

Worry is believing the lies of Satan. So, I have to discipline myself not to worry. I didn't use to worry about the outcome of a test, but, today I tend to worry more. Perhaps, it is because I sat with two people as they died this last year.

Your own mortality creeps up on you when you watch someone die.

I praise God for today. I am not promise tomorrow, but today I rejoice.

Water Pills

I tried to sneak into my doctors office and not see him. I was just going to have my blood work and ask for a protein test because of my swollen feet. This did not work. One look at my swollen feet and it was in to see the doctor.

He suggested I have a protein test. "Duh"!!

No protein found. So, more blood work to try and see what is happening. He, also, put me on water pills. "Yea"!!!

Took my first yesterday. Spent the morning on the toilet. I swelled up more. This morning I was just as big. I can not remember how long it takes for water pills to shrink swelling. But, I am waiting.

Not to Worry

I have not posted in a while. Just not sure where I am at with my body.

I have been taking my vitamin D and was feeling a whole lot better, but lately I have been slipping.

My feet are swollen. They can get huge. I'm tired all the time and do not want to do anything. So, I crochet and try to stay home.

I do not know what the cause of my lack of enthusiasm is , but probably Fibromyalgia.

So, I look to the Lord to see what it is He would have me do. I'm thinking I'm doing what I am suppose to be doing and just taking care of myself for now. I do not feel any pressure to run out and save the world. So, I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

I have decided to see my doctor. Try to head off anything that may be happening that I do not know about. The swelling in my feet is a problem that probably needs to be addressed. But, I am not to worried about it. After all, to worry is to believe the lies from Satan.

Feeling Emotionally Better

It has been a while since I have written. Seems it takes longer than I thought to mourn the loss of your mother. But, I am getting better in that department.

My headache is gone, but last Sunday, in the afternoon, I started to get stiff and continue with stiffness and pain.

I'm assuming it is fibromyalgia. Makes it hard to walk, think and get motivated. I just want to sit.

No sitting for me though. Tonight I have my community group meeting at my house and I have to get ready. I love the group but hate getting ready.

Started taking Noni again yesterday. We will see if it helps with the pain and fatigue.

A Letter to My Readers

My Dear Readers,

The truth is I feel dried up. I have not got back into the swing of things and feel that I am lacking in my blogging.

I am trying to plug back into my church activities, housework, crocheting, blogging, but am having a great deal of trouble doing so. My concentration is gone and I have very little motivation.

A dear friend came by and told me that it is the Jewish tradition to mourn for a year and that it took that long with her mother. I, on the other hand, feel that it is time to get on with the task. That is what my pastor has told me and I agree. The problem is my mind and body are not quit ready. I need to give myself permission to take as long as it will to grieve.

Tonight I am going to go ahead and have my community group hear at my home. I was suppose to call everyone, that comes, and tell them it would occur. But, I have not called. Two are coming and that is only because they called or I saw them. I do not want to do anything.

So, I am trying to push myself back into the world. God, on the other hand, can not be pushed. I feel, a bit, detached even from Him. I seek Him in the mornings and wait for His nudging on what to write on my blog and I since nor hear not a word.

What I am trying to say to you, dear reader, is that if my posts seems vague, erratic, lost or just plain boring, it is because I have become those things for now. I am working my way back to myself, but for now, this is who I am.

I am a supernatural Christian processing the loss of her mother.

Blessings,
Given55

Money, Money, Money

Every since my mother passed, I have woke up with a headache. I suppose it is tension, there was so much to do. It seems like there is no end to all the details.

My mother thought that she had the whole funeral paid for, but....NO. Seven hundred fifty dollars to put her in the ground and now I find out that not all of the grave stone was paid for...another three and seventy five dollars. OUCH!!!

Such a long draw out ordeal. Hard to find time to grieve. A friend told me, the other day, that it would take a year to finish grieving. No wander...no one will let you have time to grieve. Everything is about money.

I was out at the cemetery yesterday and found several graves without tombstones. Now I know why...NO MONEY!!! How irritating.

My mother wanted us to be able to relax and grieve. Poor thing had no idea how the world will not allow grief only financial gain.

Gone

I don't know what to write. I really don't. I wait on God to tell me what I should write and I hear nothing. I can only reflect.

The last 12 days have been long and a blur. I have seen God move in so many ways that I can only sit in awe of the beauty of His glory. I have had ordained appointments, seen into the spirit realm and cried till my eyes became raw.

I waited for the spirit of death and he arrived last night at 10 till 7. My mother is gone. Gone from us, but now with the Father. She cried at that moment of death and I rose up from my sit, bent over her and spoke truth to her. She heard me, my brother kissed her and she left. Oh, how we wept.

Throughout the day people had come and gone in her room. So, many prayed and so many songs were sang over her. The song, still resonate in my heart. My friends came and loved on my mother as if she were their own. They are, my friends, beautiful people of God. Giving of themselves in that hour and showing the love of God. To them I say "Thank you".

I prayed, all day, that God would let me see her go. I expected, if I saw, it to be like it was in the post "Spirit of Man". But, as the day went on, I just began to ask for God's will and left my need behind. Turns out, a friend had been praying that God would give me a supernatural experience with my mother and he did.

At some point in the day, I had the thought that my mother's spirit was going to go right through me. After the thought, I pondered and told myself that was weird.
Feeling it was my own strange thinking, I let it go. But, in that last moment, I knew before she took her last breath that it was done. I sat back and I saw a blur quickly rise up out of her and fly right through me. I felt a weight come off of me. It gave me the feeling that I had lost a hundred pounds and was, for a second weightless. She did as I had thought and flew right through me.

It has only been eleven hours now, but there has been much speculation on why this happen by a handful of people. One, was that she took with her the burden that I have been carry for the last five years of taking care of her. I don't know. Maybe, it was just God's way of answering my prayer of seeing her go. No matter what the reason, it was a beautiful moment and I thank the Most High for giving it to me.

They told us that we could take as much time with her as we wanted after she was gone. But, we began to pack up and leave. She was no longer there and we saw no point. Her body is now in the hands of the embalmer, which is a notion that I can not stand. I detest embalming and think that we should, like the Jews, go to the ground quickly and not mutilate the body. But, she wanted to allow time for her out of state family to come to see her. So, I cringe and just take it.

There are certain things that we need and want in this life and one that strikes us to the very core is the need for our mothers. Good or bad we are connected to her in so many ways. That earthly connection, for myself, has been broken. I will, however, see her again. I have that great hope in my life. I have assurance of where she is now and her future. My mother has not stopped she has become more. More lovely, more vigorous, more joyful, more enlightened, more gracious, more elegant, more beautiful. She is now set free and I know, with out a doubt, that she is happy.

Mother

My mother has been very ill. She is passing on. It is a slow process and I and my brother, Only in His Service, have been spending everyday in the hospital trying to get her to eat.

It is exhausting and difficult to watch. My heart is heavy and sadness radiates my entire being.

Can't Stand Myself

I continue to do well. The vitamin D is a 5,000 mg dose. I'm having some side affects. Stomach problems, loose bowel and, I believe, I STINK.

Yes, I smell myself. Others say, they don't smell me. I DO!!!!

Taking showers, covering myself in lotion....nothing helps.

I'm hoping this gets better. I have to take these pills, once a week for two months. I can't stand myself.

What to do?

Joy!!!

My joy is overwhelming.

I got my blood work back yesterday and am amazed. I am not in a flare. As a matter of fact, my lupus markers are still suppressed. Thank you God.

All these symptoms are from a vitamin D deficiency. All the symptoms. Is that remarkable. The symptoms mimicked Lupus.

I can not thank God enough. Truly, His healing five years ago continues. Even when I wavered and fell under the delusion that the Lupus was back, God was faithful and kept me safe from myself.

Thank you God.

There is no one like our God. His faithfulness endures forever.

Fear

Do you fear Lupus? My child, "I have not given you a spirit of fear".

I have never gone into fear over my diagnosis. It,Lupus, will not break my spirit,nor define my life. It is but a "thorn in my side". I will remember my vulnerability, because of it, but will not succumb to its rules.

I will live above the nature of Lupus and live, only with the Word of God. That is what defines me for the Word says, I am "Wonderfully and perfectly made". This is the truth and it is what I live by.

Some would say, "How foolish". "You live in a dream and ignore the reality." My answer is that this place is just a stop over to eternity and my lot here is "Nothin but a thing."

I will live above Lupus and glorify the Lord. Lupus will not distract me, nor take me from my purpose on this earth. Through it, Lupus, God has spoke to many, so things are not as they appear. "In all things, I will glorify the Lord."

So, when you are flaring or taking another test. Sing to the Lord, He is your comfort. Pray for that peace, that goes beyond all understanding, and you will find it. Believe, in the mighty power, of the Living God and He will deliver you from the fear of the disease called Lupus.

Free from the Grip of Death

It has been a week since I saw the doctor and I still have not heard a word from him. No news on my test results. I suppose that is good, but I am curious.

I feel wonderful though. Last Thursday, I got prayer from my small group and feel I was delivered from a spirit of death. I believe that I had just decided I was going to die and was just going to succumb to it.

The prayer was amazing and full of love. My deliverance complete. My spirit is so much lighter and my body feel light and painless. I am very happy.

Apple Cider Vinegar

I went to the doctor today. Weird!!! The decision on new medications was put off. They took six vials of blood to see where I am at, because I have seen some improvement over the last week and the reason is soooo weird.

Apple cider vinegar. YEP!!! That is what I said. Apple cider vinegar.

My husband has serious sinus problems and I read where apple cider vinegar would help. So, I started him on a drink made up of the vinegar, honey and Stevia. He hated the taste so bad, that I drank it with him. You know, like showing your children that the medicine is not so bad. Well, I found that the swelling in my mouth went down to nearly nothing, my reaction to chemicals stopped and I had more energy. Is that weird.

Well, I am grateful. I still do not know what the blood nor urine will show, but the doctor said that Vinegar is an anti-inflammatory as well as the Noni that I have been taking and to keep it up. We will see about the blood test.

I thank God for His hand on nature. I use to not think much about holistic medicine. But, I have certainly changed my mind. I will be looking at more natural remedies now. Everything we need has been put into place by God and I just need to look for it. Thank you, God.

So many have been praying for me and for that I am so grateful. God plots out our every step and I find comfort there. Where He leads, I will follow. Whatever comes next, I will find God in it and rely on Him for my strength.

I Don't Want To

Ok, so this is how it goes.

I have a place where the inside of your cheek meets the bottom of your mouth that keeps swelling up. On the other side of my mouth, the saliva gland will, now and then, will swell up, the size of a marble. Real uncomfortable. My skin has decided to react to soaps, conditioners etc.. By giving me the feeling that I am on fire. Again, real uncomfortable. I am getting welts on my skin, especially on my face, that, at times, turn into little scabs. For the finale, my ankle began to hurt the other day and both feet swelled. The pain became so intense that I could no longer walk. Better now though. Does not sound good.

I have not seen the doctor, but do go next week, for my regular three months check up. I have purposely not called him, because,...well...I don't want to know. The truth laid bear "I really, don't want to hear the truth." I do not want to go back on a huge regime of pills again, steroid nor chemotherapy. The help for Lupus can seem, at times, so much worse than the disease.

I know this is stinking thinking. I'm just not ready to go for the fixer upper. So, next week, I will tell the doc my story and submit myself to the tests. Ouch.

I no longer ask God "Why". I have seen to many blessings come out of my plight. I'm not saying I accept this disease nor do I define myself by it. But, I know that God makes good out of bad and I have seen the good. Many have wondered at the strength that God has given me to endure and have looked to God for the same inner strength. It has taught others that one does not have to be in sin to get sick and they have seen God bring me back from the arms of death. To God be the glory.

But, now I am again, it would appear, going to have to fight the fight of defending my God. Having to battle those who would say, "your sick because of your sin", "you need to repent", "you are out of the grace of God", "your faith is not large enough", "God does not cause nor allow sickness". I would like to say to them all, "Get a grip." But, instead, I will deny my flesh and give way to God's voice.

My God is a mighty God. He reigns in Heaven and Earth. Nothing gets by Him. He sees me and knows my strength. He uses me to glorify His kingdom and with that I am glad.

Last Week

I have been away from my blog a little longer than I would have like to have been. My mother feel and broke her hip and it has been terrible.

She is now in a nursing home. Putting her there was very hard, but she is doing well.

During all this, the Lupus has really acted up. My legs swell and my ankle hurts so bad that one day I had to use a wheel chair. Then for a couple of days a cane.

Yesterday, I had less swelling and could walk on my ankle all day. I, probably, need to go to the doctor to see if my kidney is compromised. I could not find the time last week, but will go this coming week.

I feel so in over load. To many decisions and to many problems. In a twinkling of an eye, my life just turned upside down. I am probably have more trouble because I am so stressed. Very hard to not be stressed with all that has been going on,

I continue to hear my mother in my home and try to remember her needs. But, she is gone and will probably not return to my home. It is so very sad.

For myself, life has changed as much as for my mother. Having always taken care of someone, I now only have my husband, so I will spoil him, I suppose.

The Fight

I feel really energized today. I thank God for that. He fills me with life.

I read a blog today, that was about the fact that, you never know when fatigue will hit you. This is true. You can be going along, with your day, and then, all of the sudden, exhaustion.

I have not suffered with this in a long time. The more I minister, keeping my eyes on God, the less likely I am to experience these kinds of affects. I am grateful to God that his glory shine on me.

But, then you have the other symptoms. Again, my way of fighting such things, is to rebuke the attack of the evil one, and claim victory. Do I get tired of the fight? You bet. Do I at times falter in my fight. Oh, yes. But, I always come back to face the enemy and take my life back.

Today, if I look into the mirror, I see welts on my face. But, if I look beyond the mirror and into the face of God. I see a person that is "fearfully and perfectly made."

Wish I felt better. But, Oh Well

I wish I could say "I fell better", but that would be a lie.

It would seem with Lupus, you never know what is around the next corner.

Always a surprise. I, now, have been getting bumps, not a rash, on my face and arms. They kind of look like hives, but do not itch very much. The day after I get them, the bumps have a small scab on them. I have no idea what this is about.

My pain, except for my ribs, is horrible, at times and the stiffness is awful. Brain fog has become all to familiar and my spiral into the depths of sickness seems unstoppable.

But, I find comfort in my Lord and have constant communion with Him. He is my strong tower.

My ministry to others has pick up and this helps me to keep my mind off of the Lupus. Helps me to not be defined by the disease. I am a child of God, not a body who goes by Lupus. I am wonderfully and perfectly made.

I have been busy crocheting. Love to crochet. Such fun. Here is my latest project.

Pretty happy about the way it turned out.

There seems to be lots of activities in my life that help to keep my mind off of what is happening to my body. So much better than laying around thinking about it. Life is and can be good.

crochet & Noni

Well, Praise God for natural remedies.

I forgot to take the Noni yesterday and found out it truly does work. By midday my pain was back. I realized that I had not taken the Noni and am now back on it and the pain is again gone.

I continue to do pretty well. Can't say that this thing has me down. My ministry is growing and I keep my eyes on God, not on Lupus.

My daughter and I have started a new business. We are starting out in my home, to try and build a clientele and then, hopefully open a store front. We make everything we sell from scratch.

My daughter is a homesteader. She is making breads, pastries, noodles,etc. and I crochet. I make anything. Right now, I have purses, baskets, shawls and a few other items. Below are some pictures of our first day we opened.

We did pretty good. We only had nine customers, but we both sold over fifty dollars worth of goods and both got orders. It is very exciting. Crocheting is something I can do and still be disabled. It does not take a lot of energy and uses my time creatively. I am a crochet addict.

I love the colors in this pillow


Hobo bag


Other bags. Some are made with hemp.





Basket made with hemp and leather.




This is suppose to be a basket, but everyone kept putting it on their heads. It finnaly sold as a hat.


My shawls.

Noni

The Noni worked incredibly well on my chest pain. I just take a tablespoon in the morning and one at night. In two days my pain was gone.

I am not going to go off of it to prove that it is the Noni that has caused my relief. That is what my husband has purposed. I am just believing that God had me find the information on Noni and it works.

The Noni does not take away all my pain, but I do believe that it has taken away a lot of the swelling in my ligaments so the pain is reduce. Well, in my chest it is gone. I did notice that if I am late in taking the Noni, I begin to feel a bit of tightening in my chest. Maybe, that is prof enough for my husband.

I suggest you give it a try if you have pain. I got mine at Walmart and it is not expensive.

So, I thank God for His wisdom and grace in leading me to Noni. Praise you Father.

Just one more Thing

I have a diagnosis. Costochondritis. What??? Oh, yea!!! Isn't that a fun name.

If you want to learn more or understand this one, here is a link.

The pain is horrible. Sometimes, it is so extreme, that I can't walk. When I take a step it just drives the pain through my body.

I have started a herbal substance for pain relief. It is called Noni. I hope it works, because the pain medication has stopped working and if I go for stronger medicine, I will not be able to function at all. Although, sleep is good, when you hurt this bad.

God is so good, all this is drawing me closer to Him. I can only depend on Him to provide for me. To sustain me, to deliver me, to heal me. I have a great God, who I can call upon, at anytime, and He will comfort me.

Thank you God.

Still Waiting

Saw the Doctor on Friday. But, no news. Did another ekg and then ex-rays. Hopefully, I will find out, something, today.

Turns out, that when I went to the hospital, they gave me a pain mediciene, that is the strongest pain medicine know to man. It certainly worked. But, only for a short time. Now they have me on Percecet. I sleep a lot and am no good as posting.

I am copying some of what I wrote today on my other blog, because, I am way to droggy to spell or think right. I hope what I wrote shows some of where I am at right now.


If this does not make a lot of sense, it is because I am still on some heavy pain medicine. First, thank all of you for your response to my last post. I was over joyed with the love that poured out from my brother and sisters. Many even came over from my daughters blog, A Homesteading Neophyte, to encourage me. I am so grateful.

I saw my doctor on Friday and still do not know anything. She just put me on stronger pain medicine. So, I sleep a lot. Then I wake up and the pain is too much, so I take a pill and sleep. I have, however, been doing a lot of crocheting. But, I find my self waking up, frozen in time, in the middle of a stitch.

The Christian response to my flare up of Lupus has been diverse. Some say, "it is an attack from Satan". Some, just except it as part of living in this world. Others, believe I need to search myself for a sin. Then there are the ones who see it as a trial.

As to it being an attack, could be. My ministry is growing again and I usually start to have trouble when that happens. There was something in my house yesterday. It was visible not only to me, but to my husband, which is unusual. It showed itself several times. My thought, at first, was that, it was my medicine causing me to see things, but when my husband saw it, I knew different. But, is this because of an attack? I see, feel and smell things a lot. Could be something besides an attack. Need to pray to find out about this thing in my home.

Is the flare up of Lupus just because we live in a fallen world. This could be also. The cause of Lupus is not really known. They have their suspicions, but no real answers. I may be genetically disposed to Lupus. Which could be a curse. Of course, many, including myself, have prayed to break a curse of Lupus. But, have not seen the results of that breaking. Whether, it be from the environment, genetics or self inflicted abuse of my body, this world has a lot to offer in the way of sickness and pain. But, through the power of God these things are overcomed.

Is it a sin? I, always, have sin. Why, would this be from a sin, now. In the past, God has always shown me a sin that needs to be addressed. When the sin is exposed, God and I usually take care of it and I walk free from that particular sin. So, why would one sin be treated any different from the other. God always has my attention, He talks to me, this should be no different. Now that I write this, I realize that I have not even asked God "why".

The last time, I was sick, He did not give me a "why". He just told me that I would be sick of two years. I did not know if I would die after those two years or be healed. But, it was two years and I never did ask "why". Do, I need to know "why"? I don't think I do. The out come of the last time was amazing. God used Lupus, to minister in amazing ways. Ways that would not have been possible before Lupus. So, I'm not sure I'll be asking "why".

Is, this reacourance of Lupus a trail? Well, I don't know. If I don't ask, then, I don't know. God, pretty much knows, that I am His, no matter what. But, I never exactly, know the mind of God. After all, His ways are not my ways.

So, with all the different theories and suggestions, I listen, pray and ponder and then let God be God in my life. I do fight, because, I am not one to take anything lying down. But, I also, try to walk the path that God has laid out before me with dignity and peace.

Well, my hour is up. You see, dear reader, I have one hour from the time I wake up till the medicine and pain over take me and I am lost to this world. I hope this post makes sense to you. I understand it completely. Of course, I am living in a different zone than you might be. My world is a bit blurred right now.

I am totally blessed by you, my dear readers.

Hospital Visit

Last night, I had to go to the emergency room with chest pain. I hate it that with Lupus, so much of the time, they can not find any reason for your pain.

At least, my heart was not involved.

I have to see my doctor today for follow-up, because, if the pain is front fluid around the heart, it was to soon to show up on the ex-ray.

What I believe it is, is swollen ligaments and tendons in my rib cage. My pain is horrible. Truly need relief. Any ideas out there?

My Inner Ear

Last night, before I went to bed, I noticed I had a bright red spot on my face. I have not seen one of those for several years. I felt pretty disappointed and it is still there this morning. But, I will be extremely happy, if this thing on my face, does not get any bigger or spread.

I am having some trouble with my inner ear. I have autoimmune inner ear disease. It came about from the Lupus. The Lupus attack the mechanism in my ear that keeps the fluid, in my ear level. This causes me to be dizzy. Very dizzy. But, for the last few years, I have not had any trouble.

Now, it would seem, it is back. I will be just sitting around, minding my own business, when suddenly the room will take off. It will spin violently. Or I may feel like I am floating. This all can, also, cause me to be confused.

Back then, I was sent to see a vertigo specialist. He put me on a low dose water pill, which, after a while, helped. I suppose, I need to go and see him again. But, going back to see him feels like I am giving into this attack. Going backwards some how.


I seek the Lord on this flare up. Waiting for a word or vision on why, this is all coming back on me. But, I refuse to linger in the pit of Lupus. I will keep my eyes on God, doing His work and not giving up.

A Question of Ethics

This article that I'm posting is about a breakthrough in research into mitochondrial DNA research. They may have found a way to manipulate DNA by using 3 embryo from three different parents. This manipulation could lead to a cure for autoimmune disease.

I read the article and was a bit uneasy. I questioned myself. Is this manipulation ethically wrong? Are we messing where we should not be? Are we playing with life? Would I take a drug designed from the embryo's of three different parents?

My answer to the last question was. "Yes". Then why ask the first set of questions?

Click here for the article.